Too many things have been going around in my life to mention, which is why I ended up not writing. But I know eventually I have to. Too many people have been telling me to write more. Not many are sharing our stories. Much people have gone hiding in comfort zones with walls to share thoughts as transgender people. If I do not speak for myself, no one would speak for the population. Sad is it not?
So here it goes. I am doing okay in my job, though there are so many rooms for improvement. It is a potentially great career, and life in a production studio is full of energy just waiting to empower projects, and when production happens, life can be a joy of hustle and bustle solving issues and getting the work done. I am immensely proud of my company and will give a good fight for them.
So what is troubling me? I guess my view of life is changing. I have gradually excommunicated many people for the past year. I am tweaking myself from gullible to be sceptical. I learnt the hard way that not everyone that hugs and kisses and talks with you really cares. I decided to distance myself from people whose words carry no honour and weight, especially people with empty promises.
My ex-husband killing off the biggest promise he could ever give, still affected me. While our marriage is no longer valid, it still hurts. What he had done to me left a scar in me so deep, it will never heal. I do not wish to listen to theories as to why he did it, anymore. I just wish to fix the damage he had caused to me by myself, and solve most of my outstanding GID medical issues.
I am in love, but how to win her heart is a difficult question. I find myself listening to her. I see myself wanting to be with her. Seriously there is something about her that makes me so comfortable; the way she carries herself to her aura, basically her heart for life. I do not know when she will be ready to explore life together, but I am willing to wait. Right now, I am fine with just being her friend first.
Then there is the question by itself, am I straight or lesbian? I do prefer women for sure. However, the pressure to conform to straightness due to the fact that I am transsexual still haunts me. Adding to that, the question lingers in my head whether my unfaithful ex-husband or my previous abusive boys contributed to my diminished attraction to men. Still, nothing beats the scent of a woman.
Finance is something I am gaining control of now. A few times this month it is still tempting to run astray, but I know I must not let it happen. Not when work is getting good now. Still back to the SRS, it is a depressing thought that it is still many miles away. While a couple of friends have offered to contribute funds for it, it is just simple talk and no action. So I am left alone trying to make it happen.
Deaths and sickness, there are plenty around my life now, with a few friends having a stroke, and some died, constantly reminding me of how fragile life is. The identity of these people compels me to change my current lifestyle. I am now smacked in the middle of my life, and I cannot believe the amount of years I had wasted. My priority remains my career first, then my fitness, after that life.
There are still so many things raving in my mind, like regrets from the past, to friends hurting me, and also how much I have changed the past one year. This post may be the first in a few months, but it marks an intersection in my life. And God knows where I will go next. I should get started on my book. Meanwhile, I must make it a point to drop by here and share my stories. Thank you for reading.