I have seen so much the past few years being involved in the LGBT advocacy scene, I am honestly getting tired. I came to the realization that most of the LGBT action groups do not want a way out. They will, in all ways, try to invalidate the very voices that are capable of socially integrating with the general public. They simply do not want someone with enough standing in society to speak for them especially when truth is presented. They in fact, prefer people their type, their own skin colour even, people they are comfortable with, telling them things they want to hear, affirming them on their chosen profession on the streets, speaking to them in language only they can accpet.
My care for them is over. I have done my very best, and decided it is just not worth it to sacrifice my time and risking my own living justifying their existence, especially when I already find it hard enough to juggle advocacy without interfering with my career. The things I want to settle for my own transition can only be done in quiet, without the bother of dragging the rest of them to experience the life I am having now. They just do not want it. And after the ruckus with Seksualiti Merdeka, every positive statement I make, ways that can help them, even objective outcomes to work towards, will be viewed as dissent, and they will shout down every voice of reason anyone would provide.
I am really getting frustrated of taking effort from my work and my life, for the sake of people that just do not wish to see the light. Some people just like to live in darkness, for that makes them happy. And I have to recognize that, accepting it. Even friends asked me, if I have the power to hire a potential employee, would I give trans people a chance. I have to hesitantly reply, no, because it will not benefit the company and may even jeopardize the operations, with people who lack the simple ability to even discuss matters with logic and lacking necessary skills to survive in the often challenging office environment especially in marketing, let alone the corporate world. And I am proven correct, as most of them are not able to hold on to their jobs after a year or sometime only months.
Nothing to be done – the words of absurdism that I learnt while acting as the character Vladimir in “Waiting For Godot”. Absurdism is the journey to seek the meaning of life when there is not any. Such that I remind myself that no life is perfect, that in the end we all are learning non-stop, continuing to climb, fall, and climb again from our mistakes and failures. Like the main character from the Albert Camus book “The Myth Of Sisyphus”. I am however, determined to make every climb different, and as I track a new course of my life, I promise myself to make every journey upwards meaningful and pleasurable for me.
I admit, I am a toxic person. I have become bitter and angry with rage at the injustice that is going on everywhere around me, hence my personal needs to redress the balance. But I must come to terms that I have to do it all alone to add wonders into my life, and stop adding value into people who already believe their cups are full. In life, even I must be humble to learn. Discussions are supposed to empower us in knowledge, and I revel in creating ideas. But my own people are not in that pattern. So now I empower myself and to further learn from society, who has given me so much, that I shall contribute back.
Yes, society, where everyone progresses and if I am not careful and too engrossed in defending my people especially my sisters, I will be left behind. So I rather catch up with the general public, and better leave most of the trans people in the hollowness of their comfort zones and shelters, than to be dragged down to the extent it will affect my image in public for still being associated with them; a price I have to pay for the many negatives that have happened these past years. I now realize if I were to succeed in life, I must cut off association with the elitist trans population and LGBTs. Some of my inspirations in the world have done just that, and I am sure they are feeling much happier now, than to suffer the headaches that come along with being present with them.
So what is the future for lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgender people? Too bad, my straight friend said. Everyone must plot their own individual course in life, and we all have to bear the consequences of our choices and actions. I have my sisters on my shoulders for far too long. I do not want it anymore. Time to be selfish. And take care of me.
Happy Independence Day, Yuki.