An account of a 38 year old transsexual female, as far as she can remember, of how she come of age:
At 11 years old, a best friend went against this certain transsexual girl because she was girlish and tried to drown her in the school swimming pool. The discipline master at that time was also in charge of swimming lessons, thought she is “problem boy” and basically did nothing as he believed she is lying.
At 12 years old, her body was severely violated by two men when she was walking back from school.
At 14 years old, she was brutalized and beaten up in high school for being effeminate on a weekly basis for a few years. The worst was when she was dragged into the toilet and had her head crashed against the wall until she fainted. Teachers took no action, but blamed her for “provoking the boys”.
At 15 years old, she was mentally poisoned by the church opposite the school for having “sexual bondage”, and began to blame her mother for making her this way, and stopped speaking to her for many years. She also blamed herself for her great sin and could not seem to “repent” from herself.
At 16 years old, she turned into gangsterism when she changed school, as a way to hide her identity from her previous school, and also as a step forward to try be more masculine, a boy for family, friends and church members. She started drinking, and got into vices. She barely scrapped through SPM level studies.
At 17 years old, she was excommunicated from her church for allegedly sexually molesting a deaf girl. Her innocence was known the same year; the church offered neither apology nor compensation.
At 18 years old, she was taken as a “toyboy” by a 40 year old woman. The church blamed her again. Ashamed to go back to the parents and with no friends, she decided there was no point being a boy.
At 19 years old, she went to Kuala Lumpur and began her first transition. There she befriended a businessman, who later “rented” her to other men for a few months. She attempted suicide for the first time. After surviving the attempt, she escaped back to her hometown Ipoh, vowing never to appear herself ever again.
At 20 years old, she tried to be a complete “he”, back in college with a girlfriend and part-time job at a paging centre. “He” was also a pirated VCD seller, and at night dealt with synthetic drugs for discos. This went on for several years until “he” started to get tired of night life and wanted a way out.
At 24 years old, “he” started work as an international student coordinator. “He” became a womanizer and slept with countless women for a few years until “he” eventually got exhausted and fed up with life with triads, and decided to go clean. “His” conquest on women continued, even while being with a girlfriend.
At 27 years old, “he” became a computer lecturer and decided to go serious and faithful with a lady.
At 28 years old, “he” met “his” dream fiancée and wanted to be the best “man” in her life. After leaving “him” with credit debt amounting to over RM 20,000 and cheating “his” parents as well, she broke up with “him”. The girl said she felt she was sleeping with a woman. “He”, later survived a second suicide attempt.
At 29 years old, “he” decided to be totally out as herself, who she is, sacrificing everything and started to settle into Petaling Jaya, permanently. She lost all her friends but a few, and her entire life as a person. But as she transitioned, she was not able to get jobs and hold on to her rented room, and she became desperate.
At 30 years old, she ended up a call girl for an escort website. While she had a few good clients, violent sexual abuse usually happened, and she was forced to submit. After a bad incident at a hotel in Damansara town, she called it quits, ending up in a mama-san Karaoke bar in Ipoh Street as girl no. 7.
At 31 years old, she started her first job being a proud woman, as a frame trading company sales person. She later stopped being a karaoke girl, and started to be an advocate for the transsexual and gay population. She was once arrested and brought to the Section 11 Shah Alam police station on suspected prostitution while hanging out with sex workers in Sunway City. Her car was also vandalized by transphobic elements near her home.
At 32 years old, she got married to an Australian man who promised her the world, and she left her whole life in her country to be with him in Darwin, only to be dumped by him few days before her SRS operation in Thailand with nothing. She returned to Malaysia and had to start life all over again after a year with him. With the help of some from the local LGBT community, she had some funds and went into NGO work.
At 33 years old, she got deeply involved with the Seksualiti Merdeka movement, and became one of the faces of the transsexual population. She also finally hit blessings with her first corporate job as the licensing agent for one of the biggest cartoon brands in Asia. At this time she promised herself whatever happens, to never go dump in life again, and her battle with herself and clinical depression begins.
At 34 years old, after a conversation with her mentor regarding her “incriminating” relations to the Seksualiti Merdeka movement, and taking advantage of a gay Muslim friend attempting to play her out, she bombed bridges with the movement, losing most of her LGBT friends, realizing separation was the only way to advocate for them, especially when she is starting to get noticed in the straight public life. She also made her first conscious choice to fight for a better tomorrow and attempted to step out to take part in society.
At 35 years old, after being cheated by the gay Muslim friend she trusted to leave her career to work with a fraud, she was jobless. Keeping the promise to her mentor never to be associated with negativity since she has a corporate profile, she took the best job in the worst situation, as a pub DJ in Damansara town on minimum wage equivalent to foreign workers. She had to depend on tips for meals.
At 36 years old, one of her copywriting clients gave her a call, and entrusted her as the marketing manager of his company. She landed a few high profile accounts, increasing her corporate clientele. Her former clients also engaged her for writing. Her social life among straight people grew plenty.
At 37 years old, she started to clear her rising debts, spending time only with meaningful people, learnt to be at peace alone, and most importantly gained the respect of the general public. It speaks a lot when there were pub raids and street roadblocks, but she was never disturbed by any authorities.
At 38 years old, she has been a MarCom Manager for more than 2 years and has other offers as well, but chose to stay with her company. She is winning the battle with clinical depression, earned a great amount of straight privilege, learning from great gurus and has inspiration with support by straight pals, some she took time to win over their scepticism first. She is erasing her credit card debts. Though she still has debts to pay and demons to fight, she will get better in time and at least she can finally see her future.
She feels comfortable and consistently jovial today, with friends who love her and who she can love, finding solace in herself, doing the things she loves to do, freedom to move about without fear, the majority recognizing her as a woman and a climate she has built by simply representing herself well, and most importantly, straight people accept her with pride, honour and dignity she deservedly earned.
This is probably a boring story, because when one reads through it, there is happiness and no more victimhood at the end. Because everybody needs to feel, and sometimes there are people who choose to look at the sexual violence and brutality because they are so used, they internalized it. For some, it is the only way to survive, because without it, they cannot drum up popularity and funds.
A normal life seems unattainable, and many need their suffering to gain attention. They become defined by their actions as victims; take away that and they become empty shells. They are putting themselves exactly where society want them to be, which is where they want to be. Perhaps some will find happiness in that box they marginalized themselves into. But there is more to life than that.
She is now a very different person than she was many years ago. And all that takes are just 11 principles that seem easy to digest, but in actual action is difficult to do. We have only one short life to make it extraordinary, and if we remain in the hole and refuse to accept what we could and should do, our lives will be stagnated in an endless circle and nothing ever gets done with no real results. These principles changed the lives of the people who inspired her and made her the survivor she is today.
1) never be a victim
2) own responsibility
3) cut off toxic people
4) never blame anybody
5) make the right choices
6) live life with no excuses
7) mix with the right people
8) know how to carry oneself
9) always experience new things
10) do not let anyone be a shadow
11) the present must not be the future’s regret
She only realized these at 36 years old, only then life began to progress. Well, better late than never.