I am a victim. I have been depressed, hurt, angered, pained and everything, but if there is something which I did not thought of before is that I am a victim. I have often blamed myself for believing in what I was told by people that profess love to God. Having analyzed and realized, I thought I allowed people to treat my gender disorder as some kind of sexual brokenness that needs to be changed. I always believed that it was me who let the people in the church brainwashing me in to thinking there must be something my mom or dad had done that made me the gender queer I am, that later put severe strain on a relationship that was never under threat until a youth pastor convinced me.
Reading Edmund Smith’s latest forays into the church, still choosing to use a mental health condition as an additional topic for his ex-gay talks, it became so apparent to me now that how evil this man is, refusing to acknowledged the consequence of his actions upon some gullible youth. Many have left such ministry, and the latest closure for Exodus International, the biggest ex-gay ministry in the world, comes with lots of apologies to those lives they have destroyed and the hurt they have caused to people’s souls. It has been 7 years now that I have known him. He is not going to apologize.
I have mellowed down on posting about him. I read back and sometimes smile at Edmund’s lack of intellect and my own sarcastic anger towards him, but refusing to go ad hominem, I find it hard to take that a man could be so irresponsible to those he had cheated with his self made mix of sexuality lessons that have no bearing on truth. People used to think I am obsessed with him. I thought so, but seriously, reading his latest activities, I am not. He is a reminder that I am a victim, and that there will be other victims and what he says will affect the victim’s relationships, from family to even God.
I have been asked to build a case to sue Wesley Methodist Church and my former school SM Methodist ACS Ipoh, for not giving me a normal childhood that I can grow as naturally as anyone, and the later for not protecting me against forces such as bullies, which in turn affected my studies and later my whole life, driving me to severe clinical depression and suicidal thoughts. I am their consequence, which they just ignored as they go about their lives like nothing ever happened, while I suffer in silence, in sorrow and in a wormhole of regret I can never get out of for the rest of my life.
Edmund Smith represents that ignorance, and me, the consequence of his ignorance. He is the symbol of the devil incarnate that led me to a path of self-destruction, denial and rejection of who I am for decades. He becomes the mark of deception that caused my torment of lost youth and young adulthood that can never be taken back. I used to think, as an ex-gay survivor, that he was my polar opposite. I was wrong. He is the bully, misusing his authority as a pastor to teach myths about people like me, expecting people to buy it without doing any scientific research or general study. I am the victim, as people are blinded by the deception and wrongly treat me and many others, as broken, and being forced to fit a gender mold that causes grieve instead of getting mental and medical help.
Edmund Smith will have his followers and with pride and ego-inflation calls himself “pastor”. He tried to make me a poster ex-transgender once. He failed, because at best he changed from a transvestite. I cannot ever change because I am a woman born transsexual. Sometimes, I even doubt he had ever been a transgender person, based on the contradictions of his stories. Blame it on churches training their members into simplistic minds. Now I stand as a ex-gay victim, and I need to protect myself from the continuing onslaught of misinformation and misrepresentation presented by him. Most of all, I hope, someday, when another Yuki arises from the ashes of his ministry, she will know, she is never alone.