The recent debacle involving people from PT Mak Nyah under the guise of I Am You’s Publika event that borrowed the name of the movement known worldwide as Transgender Day Of Remembrance, took a lot out of me. Not just because they turned to theatrics and celebrations as their main agenda of the night, and totally ignored the 238 reported international deaths, while forsaking the movement’s guiding principles. That was just the objective fault that the organizations grossly committed.
But it has to do a lot with the emotional attachment I have with the movement I have been involved with internationally for 5 years, and my own coming out after I heard of the story of Gwen Amber-Rose Araujo back in 2005. Also, this past year, many of my friends had passed on through tragic circumstances, and leaving behind grieving families and hurting friends still coping with their loss. Very young children losing their fathers, a friend found in the drain in the wee hours of the morning, a brother contorted within the wreck of a totally damaged car, and so forth.
This has been the most morbid year of my life. I have been to several of their wakes and funerals. So imagine how upset you will be if someone decides to hijack your wake and made a second part that gives out award presentations and dance celebrations. This put me in an uncomfortable spot, as I realize that these groups can never speak for the community. They who are bloated with so much nice food and staying in four to five star hotels almost on a weekly basis and still try to speak about trans people not able to get work, while the real trans people are on job at their make-up brand counters, or worse, the back alleys of Chow Kit road.
Money funded by several parties that should have been spent on helping these poor trans people with education, building a network to get them jobs, forming a crisis center for the weak and depressed, and other more effective work. They who complained on the lack of funds and still stay in beachfront hotels for their conferences; it is amazing how the privileged speaks for the oppressed that they themselves exploit to milk donations and funds, some that usually goes to their monthly dose of botox. And no one is making any noise about it.
Having said that, I want to go on with my life. I have pretty much assimilated into the straight society so much so my gender is barely mentioned. I am treated not only with a decent measure of equality, but at most times as a more respected member of society. And I need to make sure I keep my life up. There are things we all need to settle as an individual. But the finer things that I would have to go through in my life as a transsexual female, especially my still ongoing transition until my SRS and beyond, still need to be addressed.
Gender and identification is vital for me and my future. Clearing debts like any other human being and buying insurance. There are a few young transsexual females that I am in touch with that need my presence in their lives. There are also many more children who will be born with Gender Identity Dysphoria at the grassroots of society from families to kindergartens that no one would reach out to, unless someone does it. And we know how lonely that could be, when you know you are born different the minute you realize your own existence.
My friends overseas have also been supportive. Words of encouragement like, “they need you oh so much much more than they will ever know” and “you are on the right side of history… they aren’t.. right always wins and you have the moral high ground her(e)… they don’t”, does help a lot with my esteem and boost my ego a bit, I admit. But being a trans female, I will always be walking on broken glass or a tightrope and I may fall into darkness anytime, so I need to advocate for a climate and environment – for myself – that will cushion any blows of rainy days in the life a trans female like me, and for others.
However, dear lord, I am really tired. I am so tired of this life sometimes I really hope I can get some confirmation of reincarnation so that I could peacefully end this life and forget about all the others. Reason to act on something that will balance my life back to positivity, could be the spark, but today, I am less inspired to do anything. Perhaps once in a while I would get really upset and speak my mind, but then I would just retreat and let the other minor issues past us by, while the trans glory hunters hog the YouTube cameras talking about what they are, in languages the general public still does not understand, instead of who they are and offering any social element for society to digest and make us their own.
Yes, why, why, this is my life, why should I bear the burdens of people that has nothing to do with me, whether they are unborn children with Gender Identity Dysphoria or the dead worldwide that has no relations to me, or even those people who do not appreciate truth in my speech? This is the most important question I must ask myself as the year closes, because if I am ever going to waste my time doing anything for a population that refuses to move forward with many of its egocentric leaders that only wants popularity with influence in the community, I need something that would give me that passion and drive to give my person into advocacy again. Perhaps I hold my own key, though destiny is still the future’s unanswered question.